This post has taken me a while to
write. It's a subject I want to take my time on and really do it
justice. Normally I keep things light but sometimes things happen
that, although joyful, require more reverence in delivery. It's gonna
be word heavy, so be prepared!
I've had issues with my back for about
10 years now. The first time it really went out was the first year we
were married. No injury or specific trauma, just a culmination of
things that caused my discs to get out of whack and produce a ton of
inflammation. It would flare up and I'd have bad days or weeks, or
even months. But there were sometimes it was better, too. Until June
2012, and then it got really bad. Basically, for a year my back has
been “out.” That means a lot of things: I lie down most of the
day and can't sit or stand for long periods, I can't play with my
kids in the floor, can't clean the house or exercise, and even daily
things like taking a shower were painful and dreaded. I wasn't able
to attend church and make it through a whole service, sit in a car
for very long, or go shopping. It was even hard to hang out with
friends unless I had a place to lie down, which was humiliating. On
top of this, two different doctors hinted they thought I had
fibromyalgia, a condition characterized by chronic and widespread
pain throughout the body.
Most of the time I was able to stay
positive. Look for the things I was able to do, grateful to
have my babies and such a caring and attentive husband. But right
around the year mark I became weary. Tired of acting like things were
ok. I was angry with the Lord, and then at myself for being angry at
Him. I know that anything I endure here on this earth is nothing
close to what I deserve, and I should be grateful for everything in
my life. But I just couldn't get over the hump. It was the first time
I ever experienced real depression, and it scared me. I had dark
thoughts and knew that my family would be so much better if I wasn't
here, that they wouldn't have to deal with my limitations. I had
severe guilt concerning the kids and Jason, because I felt like a
complete failure as a wife and mother, not being able to fulfill any
of the responsibilities as I should. It was a sad and lonely time.
Don't misunderstand – I had family
and friends surrounding me, asking how to help. I just didn't know
what to tell them. Bringing a meal is wonderful, but that is just one
in a sea of meals I am unable to cook. Taking my kids for a bit while
I rest is thoughtful, but rest doesn't produce healing, so is it
really worth time away from my kids? It felt that anything I could
ask them to do would be lost in the overwhelming list of things I
couldn't do. Jason was a tremendous help, ever-patient and loving. He
has never once complained about my physical limitations and how he
had to constantly pick up my slack. I very heavily depended on him
during this time, and he came through for me. He was my steady
compass when I wanted to give up. He has so completely defined the
role God created for him, and has loved me as Christ loved the church
in a way I have never seen exemplified before. I am so, so blessed to
have him as my partner in life.
Although my closest friends knew about
my back problems, I was hesitant to tell them the extent of it. I was
embarrassed and humiliated. I felt like a little old lady, hunched
over and hobbling all the time. People at church knew I had days
where my back hurt, but not the seriousness of it. I didn't want to
bring any more attention to it than I had to, I was already so
self-conscious.
I couldn't hide it for long though. God
blessed me with three, that's right, THREE amazing best friends. I
have never been one to cling to relationships outside of my family,
until these three came along. They suggested getting together for a
night of prayer. The frame of mind I was in most certainly did not
lend itself to wanting to pray, much less admit my struggle with God
to my closest, Godly friends. But I went anyway. And my life was
changed by it. I found myself finally being transparent with them,
telling them all my desperate thoughts. I couldn't believe their
response – they cried with me over the limits my back issues
created. Grieved with me over lost opportunities and chronic, daily
pain. I saw the love they had for me, pouring out through their eyes
and their encouraging words. They laid their hands on me and cried
out to God to heal me, pleaded with Him to touch my body. It was a
humbling experience, to say the least. There were also numerous other
people praying for me, including Jason, my parents, people they had
asked to pray, and others it had been passed to through those who
love me most.
Even after all of that, I did not
believe God was going to heal me. I had been seeing chiropractors for
several years on and off, although consistently the last 6 months. I
had tried medication, natural remedies, etc. with no success. I took
gluten and sugar out of my diet which seemed to make a difference in
my overall pain, but not specifically the back pain. I am ashamed to
say it, but I simply didn't have the faith that God would do it. Not
that He couldn't, just that it wasn't His plan for me. I was resigned
to live this way.
Then about three weeks ago, I realized
I had had about three good days in a row. I was skeptical, but
thankful for the break. As another day passed, then another, then
another, my hope started creeping back in. What was this? Did the
chiropractic treatments all of a sudden work? Did my diet changes all
of a sudden kick in? Then it hit me: God healed me. The faith of my
friends and family, taking their request to the Lord, had taken away
my suffering. Could it be? I found myself leery of committing to the
term “healed” - why was I so hesitant? It just seemed too good to
be true. There was not one inkling of pain left. Nothing in my back,
nothing in my leg – it just wasn't there.
Why did God do this? Why did He heal me
when so many others continue to suffer, especially when I didn't even
think He would? I don't know. But I do know that He used this whole
experience to change me. I had to learn to depend on God like never
before. There were days where I would cling to His promises, praying
for Him to help me simply make it through the day. He has shown
Himself so faithful to me, even when I doubted. I am so humbled, and
so thankful. What an amazing and merciful God we have!
It has been awesome to actually do
daily things and not be in pain! Things like laundry, dishes, take a
shower – all in one day! One of the sweetest moments I've had was
being able to pick Harry up and dance all over the kitchen with him.
It shocks me every time I don't gasp in pain, it just doesn't seem
real to go from one extreme to another so quickly. Now my muscles
need some serious work. They are weak and are going to take some time
to build up to normal standards. It is exciting to find a new normal
for us now that I can move more, and I have to say I like it.
Even though this has been a lengthy and
wordy post (kuddos if you are still reading!), I still don't feel
like it can completely explain the awe I'm in. This changes our whole
lives, my ability to function normally again. It is such a gift to be
able to live out my day with no pain – I didn't expect to be able
to do that again. It is great blessing, one that I'm excited to take
advantage of!
